Example:

Victor, there is this one girl from my school. I am quite good with the ladies, nothing extraordinary, but did have some nice girlfriends in the past. So far so good, but… this one is special! How can I get this special one? Thanks man!

- Fred, Orange County

Hi Fred. Your case about this special one is a classic situation. In the so-called seduction community, the technical term is one-itis, the belief that this one is the only one to the point you cannot think of anyone else but her.

I will be writing a lot about this topic here but for the purposes of applying the NLP pillars into your life I would say that, to start, you need to define the outcome.

Goofy in love: I would loooove to be her boyfriend… but she does not notice me…

A well-defined outcome would look like this: “By the end of next week I want to have a clear idea of how attractive I am. I will combine my self-evaluation with external opinions. With this clear and honest self-image of who I am, I will immediately start working on my weaknesses. As I want to approach that girl before Summer break, I have three months and will everything it takes to become an interesting, confident man who will be ready to give his best.”

See one particular piece: do your self-evaluation. And be honest. You say in your email that you are “quite good with the ladies” but “nothing extraordinary”. What do you mean by this? That sometimes you “get lucky” but you do not have consistent attraction? Ask your true friends what they think of you as a potential lover. Tell them you are doing self-improvement programs and this is one exercise. If they are your real friends, they will be happy to help and relieved to finally have the chance to be honest to you without hurting your feelings.

This is just one simple example and you are encouraged to develop a detailed plan and, most importantly, put it into practice. Note that this outcome is mostly centralized in you. Not her.

I see some men who instead of centralizing the action in themselves (remember pillar number one: you are responsible), they would centralize the whole world in the woman! So they waste time being creepy trying to discover all the likes and dislikes of the girl, sometimes Googling her name to find out more about her, searching her and her friends in Facebook, Myspace or any possible social network in hope of finding one clue to know what are the secrets to open her heart.

Believe me, friends: this does not work. And to tell you more… I was also one of these types! So I speak from my own experience.

What you have to do instead is to wake up for the cold hard reality and see what is missing in you. Be it confidence, attitude, better shape, better grooming, the right body language, the right “tactic” or “routine”, strong “inner game”… you name it! But most of the work has to be done on you. Be mature and allow yourself to have this realization.

This realization shall be combined with the romantic obsession you have about this special one as leverage to promote your changes. Now feedback and flexibility come into place. Probably you have been in love with this one girl for quite some time, and had weak results (if any) so far. Maybe you managed to become her friend and are now in the “let’s just be friends zone”.

Pay attention to what you are doing. You are doing the same things again and again. Which results have you attained? Not the desired ones. Therefore now it is time to be flexible and adopt alternative strategies, to change your mind and your paradigms. Change your attitude! Look for information (there is plenty of it here) and put these new ideas into practice. That is the only way to get results, to transform yourself and become a fulfilled individual.

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In the NLP Workbook: A Practical Guide to Achieving the Results You Want, author Joseph O’Connor continues his introduction to neuro linguistic programming by setting six fundamental pillars. Understanding and applying them is necessary to move on.

1. You
You have to take responsibility, in the sense of response-ability. If the result is poor, that is because you are not sufficiently skilled. This skill is achieved with experience putting knowledge and action together in congruence. Congruence is an important NLP concept: what you say and do is aligned with your vision of the world, your values and goals.

2. Pressupositions
Pressupositions are the principles of NLP, useful ideas to achieve a certain purpose that are taken for granted.

3. Rapport
Rapport is the relational quality of a connection between two communicating individuals. It is said that “good rapport” can be noticed when a sense of ease and trust with each other can be felt and dialog flows smoothly. There are many techniques to establish rapport, which are explored in other sections. But one core action is to understand the associations for meaning of the person you are talking to. Only this way you can speak his language.

4. Outcome
I want to be rich. I want to be famous. These may be wishful thinking, a different category from a well formed outcome. To start with any change, NLP requires that a clear outcome is defined. It is important to know where you are, where you want to be, when, which resources you immediately have and which ones you will get, your deadline and how you will measure your success.

5. Feedback
You have to be an empirical scientist. Everything you do, all the results you get, you have to keep track of everything. This is your feedback. This is how you know you are advancing towards your outcomes. Use your senses (see, touch, hear, taste, smell) to get the feedback.

6. Flexibility
Richard Bandler and John Grinder, authors of Frogs into Princes, have identified that successful people were exceedingly flexible in their approaches and never let their past thinking lock them into a pattern of failure. As you get feedback and notice that your choices are not bringing you closer to your outcome, it is time to try different approaches.

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